Tuesday, 29 December 2009
Balls of Fire
Nope not talking about David Beckham and his balls of fire .. this is about a totally different ball on fire. When I first read about the bomber who tried to set of explosives on the plane I thought 'I hope he had clean underpants'. His mom must have told him to have a new set everyday . Then I thought 'Ouch that must have hurt.. but then again good stuff since he cant have baby nutters like him !! '. What do these guys think of when they go about exploding planes and buildings and trains ? What do innocent civilians have to do with any of the wars going on in any of the countries around the world? Somewhere some generals and presidents sit together and map all the resources in the world and split it amongst themselves. Then we get caught in the all show down !! Shell, BP own the Middle East, but not sure if my petrol bill is reducing or my electricity or my gas bills !! Nope I just keep paying through the nose and then some nutter comes along wanting to bomb me and more like me and I have to put up with all the security shit during my travel... not that the security weeds the Fireball out. Nope they are still free to go about setting their balls on fire !!!
Wednesday, 27 May 2009
Postnatal depression
Post-natal depression. Its one thing Indian families don't discuss about , well atleast not openly. When you are pregnant, the whole family is excited and happy. The moms in the family discuss about the joy of having the baby. Its like you have this baby and all you experience is joy and love. Its like the fairy tale And they lived happily ever after. Its female machoness. Even if you feel pain don't show it, a mom's life is for the child, so you need to scarifice everything for the baby. Its not openly told, but you can see it in every mom you meet - own mom, mother-in-law, aunts everyone. So no one prepares you for that horrible sinking feeling that engulfs you at times after the birth. This is a happy event then why am i sad ? The focus is on the baby and on making you physically fit . No one spares a thought for the mental anguish that many moms go through. Its a taboo for a Indian mom. That is why I have to speak about it. Because this depression tore apart my life and my family for 2 years.
Mine was a happy pregnancy, atleast to begin with. Baby was growing fine. Even though I was v thin, baby was on normal growth chart. In-laws were on hand to help. Then we hit the 32nd week we had problems. Aki's heartbeat dropped below 40 at times and we were running in and out of the hospital. The doctors waited till I hit 36 weeks and then they decided to get him out. Those 4 weeks were the most terrifying weeks of my life. When we were in hospital we could monitor his heartbeat, but how would we know when we were at home. Would he be ok ? Would his brain be deprived of oxygen. I wanted my parents with me as soon as possible. There were space issues at home since both families were here. Finally Aki was delivered safe and sound and then the struggle began. Maybe the combination of stress and tension and issues at home, I was always crying and in a state of anger. Having a baby changes a lot of things. Physically it drains you, all those hormones that were active suddenly start to change, the pushing and the pulling during delivery tires you, the lack of sleep combined with a baby needing your milk .. all these things tire you. Mentally too its very demanding. It changes your lifestyle. You now need to think of the baby before annything else. In first few weeks your movement is restricted since you need to recover from the delivery. In my case it was a C-sec which is a major operation and hence takes time to heal. So I was house bound for many weeks. Enough to turn to me mad. Then there is the family attention. Everyone fussing over you when all you want to do is scream. For the first few months I felt like a cow. There in the world just to feed my son. I spoke to my sisters and other friends and everyone of them felt the same way. Then there are the religious rituals that family members want to follow which can sometimes frustrate you. Those were horrible days. All i wanted to do was run off somewhere and relax and have some time just for myself. I used to fight with my husband and my parents and my in-laws. I felt guilty about feeling like this, guilty about shouting at people, guilty about not feeling happy about being a mom. The emotional scars of those fights marred our family relationship for more than 2 years. I am not saying I hated having a baby. I can't think of anything more joyful, but the joy comes a lot later. There is a bit of pain to go through before that lovey dovey feeling comes. The first few months you are caring for a very demanding baby who gives nothing in return. Then he turns 3 months and magically it all changes. You can now differentiate between the different cries and the baby is more settled. He/she starts to respond to you and its a lot more interactive. Now things are a lot better. There are still days when I feel frustrated and angry. There are days when I miss my old carefree life - no responsibilities and total freedom. But that is natural. I get over it and I enjoy my time as a mom.
I sometimes wish someone had told me it was natural to have those feelings. Its not clinical depression, just your mind slowly adjusting to being a mom. Its a tough job. As mom's we owe it to our daughters to help them through this wonderful yet painful times. Tell them that as a mom its ok to have doubts, ok to be angry, ok to be depressed , ok to wish and yearn for your free days. That doesn't make you a bad mom. Just love yourself and love your baby and everything will be ok (fairytale ending).Some things I learnt :
Babies cry- Thats what they do. The first day they are quiet since they are full of adrenalin. Slowly the adrenalin wears off and then they cry. Not everyone is sure why they do. Some of the reasons are colic, hunger, wet nappy, sickness (cold, fever). But usually its for no reason. The most common reason offered by elders is 'not enough milk'. In reality you could milk a cow and feed the baby, but it will still cry. I remember grinding my teeth everytime someone told me 'not enough milk'. Looking back now I think its been 3 years since I have had my baby. I can barely remember why akshay cried, so I am pretty sure my mom and mom-in-law had no idea too. Its just easy to blame hunger and lack of milk. So anytime you hear this reason, try not to blow your top, just ignore it. If you think baby is feeding enough then just try and sing a song and soothe him/her. Being close to you helps calm them (sometimes).
Zombie mom - Don't expect to be happy and up and ready to go in the first few weeks/ months. Babies sleep at odd times and unfortunately you can't keep up with them. My mom had banned books and my mil used to keep telling me to sleep when baby sleeps. I couldn't do it. It may have helped, but sometimes the brain just can't switch off. This meant I was cranky and sleep deprived most of the days. Inadvertently lead to a short fuse. My suggestion - nothing. Do what you think is best. Its just the first few months then they settle in and life is much better.
Eat Eat Eat : This is one thing you will hear a lot from your elders. Eat this, its good for you, eat that its good for you. Not sure about the scientific rationale behind this. I was thin before my pregnancy (still am) so anyone seeing me used to think I would starve my son due to lack of milk. Nothing of that sort happened and my son gained a healthy weight. But you need to eat well to make sure your bones don't creak (kids suck out ur calcium and vitamins). So here ur mom and mil are right. Some of those things do help you. Now I know, but right then I just wanted to throw it all out of the window, so tired and depressed I was.
Noisy sleepers - Babies are extremely noisy sleepers. I spent nights lying awake watching my son since I could hear all these wierd noises. He was fast asleep , just extremely noisy. I was also worried about blankets and other things falling on him. Its just natural to be anxious, but it rarely happens.
White spots - Babies get these white little spots on them. Its kind of like pimples it seems, so nothing to worry about. Well usually nothing to worry about.
Cover the baby - Now this is one thing most Indians are guilty of. They tend to pile clothes and sweaters on the poor baby. Babies can't regulate their body temp as well as adults. So despite what elders say, don't cover the baby in multiple layers to keep him warm. This is especially imp when the baby has a fever. Never cover the head. It could lead to seizures. I went to a docs at India when Aki was ill. It was about 30deg and a mom had covered her sick baby in sweaters. The doctor was furious. Keep an ambient temperature around the house. Plenty of fresh air and light.
Don't go out till 40 days - In a way it makes sense since you need time to recover, but I found that i felt better when I was out of the house. I have never liked staying at home, so making me stay at home was like delivering a death sentence. I know moms here (UK) who are out and about with their new babies within a week. They are fine and so is the baby. So I would say as long as you don't stress urself out, its ok to take a break and go out. I know my sis too felt the same and she felt better after taking a ride in her car.
Bathing baby- We waited till the umblical cord fell out to bathe him. We didn't bathe him everyday since water here makes the skin very dry. In fact i didn't bathe him everyday till he recently. This was cos he has mild eczema which I found was more when he had a bath. Babies have sensitive skin and they never get dirty, so a gentle splash with plain water is fine. We never had a baai so can't debate on pros or cons of it. Aki got a simple massage from mom and mil and he is as agile as any 'malished' baby.
Thats all I can remember right now.
Hope this helps some newbie mom. Just remember the best is yet to come, so just see through these days :)
Mine was a happy pregnancy, atleast to begin with. Baby was growing fine. Even though I was v thin, baby was on normal growth chart. In-laws were on hand to help. Then we hit the 32nd week we had problems. Aki's heartbeat dropped below 40 at times and we were running in and out of the hospital. The doctors waited till I hit 36 weeks and then they decided to get him out. Those 4 weeks were the most terrifying weeks of my life. When we were in hospital we could monitor his heartbeat, but how would we know when we were at home. Would he be ok ? Would his brain be deprived of oxygen. I wanted my parents with me as soon as possible. There were space issues at home since both families were here. Finally Aki was delivered safe and sound and then the struggle began. Maybe the combination of stress and tension and issues at home, I was always crying and in a state of anger. Having a baby changes a lot of things. Physically it drains you, all those hormones that were active suddenly start to change, the pushing and the pulling during delivery tires you, the lack of sleep combined with a baby needing your milk .. all these things tire you. Mentally too its very demanding. It changes your lifestyle. You now need to think of the baby before annything else. In first few weeks your movement is restricted since you need to recover from the delivery. In my case it was a C-sec which is a major operation and hence takes time to heal. So I was house bound for many weeks. Enough to turn to me mad. Then there is the family attention. Everyone fussing over you when all you want to do is scream. For the first few months I felt like a cow. There in the world just to feed my son. I spoke to my sisters and other friends and everyone of them felt the same way. Then there are the religious rituals that family members want to follow which can sometimes frustrate you. Those were horrible days. All i wanted to do was run off somewhere and relax and have some time just for myself. I used to fight with my husband and my parents and my in-laws. I felt guilty about feeling like this, guilty about shouting at people, guilty about not feeling happy about being a mom. The emotional scars of those fights marred our family relationship for more than 2 years. I am not saying I hated having a baby. I can't think of anything more joyful, but the joy comes a lot later. There is a bit of pain to go through before that lovey dovey feeling comes. The first few months you are caring for a very demanding baby who gives nothing in return. Then he turns 3 months and magically it all changes. You can now differentiate between the different cries and the baby is more settled. He/she starts to respond to you and its a lot more interactive. Now things are a lot better. There are still days when I feel frustrated and angry. There are days when I miss my old carefree life - no responsibilities and total freedom. But that is natural. I get over it and I enjoy my time as a mom.
I sometimes wish someone had told me it was natural to have those feelings. Its not clinical depression, just your mind slowly adjusting to being a mom. Its a tough job. As mom's we owe it to our daughters to help them through this wonderful yet painful times. Tell them that as a mom its ok to have doubts, ok to be angry, ok to be depressed , ok to wish and yearn for your free days. That doesn't make you a bad mom. Just love yourself and love your baby and everything will be ok (fairytale ending).Some things I learnt :
Babies cry- Thats what they do. The first day they are quiet since they are full of adrenalin. Slowly the adrenalin wears off and then they cry. Not everyone is sure why they do. Some of the reasons are colic, hunger, wet nappy, sickness (cold, fever). But usually its for no reason. The most common reason offered by elders is 'not enough milk'. In reality you could milk a cow and feed the baby, but it will still cry. I remember grinding my teeth everytime someone told me 'not enough milk'. Looking back now I think its been 3 years since I have had my baby. I can barely remember why akshay cried, so I am pretty sure my mom and mom-in-law had no idea too. Its just easy to blame hunger and lack of milk. So anytime you hear this reason, try not to blow your top, just ignore it. If you think baby is feeding enough then just try and sing a song and soothe him/her. Being close to you helps calm them (sometimes).
Zombie mom - Don't expect to be happy and up and ready to go in the first few weeks/ months. Babies sleep at odd times and unfortunately you can't keep up with them. My mom had banned books and my mil used to keep telling me to sleep when baby sleeps. I couldn't do it. It may have helped, but sometimes the brain just can't switch off. This meant I was cranky and sleep deprived most of the days. Inadvertently lead to a short fuse. My suggestion - nothing. Do what you think is best. Its just the first few months then they settle in and life is much better.
Eat Eat Eat : This is one thing you will hear a lot from your elders. Eat this, its good for you, eat that its good for you. Not sure about the scientific rationale behind this. I was thin before my pregnancy (still am) so anyone seeing me used to think I would starve my son due to lack of milk. Nothing of that sort happened and my son gained a healthy weight. But you need to eat well to make sure your bones don't creak (kids suck out ur calcium and vitamins). So here ur mom and mil are right. Some of those things do help you. Now I know, but right then I just wanted to throw it all out of the window, so tired and depressed I was.
Noisy sleepers - Babies are extremely noisy sleepers. I spent nights lying awake watching my son since I could hear all these wierd noises. He was fast asleep , just extremely noisy. I was also worried about blankets and other things falling on him. Its just natural to be anxious, but it rarely happens.
White spots - Babies get these white little spots on them. Its kind of like pimples it seems, so nothing to worry about. Well usually nothing to worry about.
Cover the baby - Now this is one thing most Indians are guilty of. They tend to pile clothes and sweaters on the poor baby. Babies can't regulate their body temp as well as adults. So despite what elders say, don't cover the baby in multiple layers to keep him warm. This is especially imp when the baby has a fever. Never cover the head. It could lead to seizures. I went to a docs at India when Aki was ill. It was about 30deg and a mom had covered her sick baby in sweaters. The doctor was furious. Keep an ambient temperature around the house. Plenty of fresh air and light.
Don't go out till 40 days - In a way it makes sense since you need time to recover, but I found that i felt better when I was out of the house. I have never liked staying at home, so making me stay at home was like delivering a death sentence. I know moms here (UK) who are out and about with their new babies within a week. They are fine and so is the baby. So I would say as long as you don't stress urself out, its ok to take a break and go out. I know my sis too felt the same and she felt better after taking a ride in her car.
Bathing baby- We waited till the umblical cord fell out to bathe him. We didn't bathe him everyday since water here makes the skin very dry. In fact i didn't bathe him everyday till he recently. This was cos he has mild eczema which I found was more when he had a bath. Babies have sensitive skin and they never get dirty, so a gentle splash with plain water is fine. We never had a baai so can't debate on pros or cons of it. Aki got a simple massage from mom and mil and he is as agile as any 'malished' baby.
Thats all I can remember right now.
Hope this helps some newbie mom. Just remember the best is yet to come, so just see through these days :)
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
Diary of a 'working' mom
I am a working mom. What does that mean ? It means I am a mom and I work in a office. Basically work never stops be it home or office. After a long time I finally got a chance to take a holiday and spend some quality time with my son. My parents had left for India and next set of grandparents were due in a weeks time. This was one week of me time with my son. I was excited and apprehensive. What activities should I plan for him ? What games should we play ? How will the time pass by ? Have to be honest, from my perspective, a stay at home mom didn't have much to do. (can hear teeth gnashing). So this was my chance to relax and enjoy just being a mom.
Day started at 7:00 am. Akshay's school starts at 9:15 so need to make sure his bag is packed and is dress is laid out for him. Also had to pack Baba's lunch and have my breakfast before waking the lil master up.
7:45 Aki wakes up. 15 mins of cuddling before getting down to business of brushing cleaning and plonking in front of TV. Thank god for Milkshake (Channel 5)
By 8:30 Aki realises he has to go to school and then starts the fuss. Crying and whining and finally I agree to sit with him in school and also to take him to school by bus !!!
9:00 we make it out of the house and slowly trundle to the bus stop.
9:15 to 12:15 we are at school. The kids don't seem to learn much here. All they did was play with dough and paint and bake a cake. Aki seems to have learnt more from home than in scholl (Note to self : Teach him some alphabets. Need to check pre-school curriculum).
By 1 we slowly make our way home. A stop at the nearby park and then by 1:30 we reach home.
Its picnic in the backyard today since the sun has made a rare appearance. Have a quite bite too while he out playing in the yard. Finish my lunch and nip out to see aki covered in mud !! Aaargh. Plonk him in the tub and a quick bathe later its 2:30 time for bed. After a small fight and a loud protest Aki is asleep by 2:45.
Whew !! Thats half a day gone .... time to relax ? I hope !! Look at the sink and my heart sinks !! Finish washing all the vessels and then drying out the clothes and tidying up the front room and I look at the clock ... oooops its already 4 !! Just time to catch up with some mails before Aki wakes up and the rush starts again. Tea , dinner , sleep !!
This is just the first day. 6 more to go.
Verdict : 'Working' or not , a Mom is always Working !!! I won't debate on which is more tiring. Each mom in one way or the other is doing something the whole day. Which is better ? I donno. I enjoyed being with Aki and spending time with him, but I need my job too. I wish there was more of a balance in life. Right now, I don't want to go back to work.
Friday, 20 March 2009
Happiest day of my life
Today I guess is the happiest day of my life .. I am so happy I just need to shout and tell it to everyone around ..
Did I win a lottery ? No
Did I get a promotion ? Fat chance. Note : need to bad mouth that horribly competent colleague of mine !!
Did I get a new car ? Hmmm I wish
Did I buy a new house ? Ha ha .. haven't you heard of credit crunch ??
Did my hubby say he loved me even I am old and wrinkly and ugly ? Hang on he hasn't told me !!! Note : drama tonight
Ok give up ???
My son pooped in his potty !!!! Yes !!!! I am thrilled to bits. Non-moms out there can sneer and laugh, but any mom worth her salt will know what I am talking about. Its the dreaded potty training time. I had bought a toilet seat just when he turned 2 and a potty soon after. But they just lay there , one gathering dust and the other being used as a storage for toys ... He refused to sit on them and cried at the mention of a wee.
Then few days back I took a deep breath and decided to free him from his diaper. So there he sat in his UW .. he was amused by it. There was an accident and he didn't like it one bit. Next day again same routine and this time I watched him like a hawk. The slightest change and I ran to get the potty and made him sit on it. Yesssss the first wee in the potty !!! We did a war dance around the potty. This time he thought Amma had gone crazy !!! But he got the idea . Next day (17th Marc 2009) he came up to me and said 'Amma fast potty' .... I ran like my life depended on it. Made it just in time. First wee on his own !!! From then on it was easy, every few minutes he would come up and say 'Amma potty' .. and go .. Didn't know they weed so much !!!
Anyways come 20th March 2009. Early morning rush to get him to pre-school. I asked him if he wanted to wee , he said yes and he was on the potty when sniff sniff ...now what is that smell .. I didn't fart ... sniff sniff .... that smells like poop !! Peeped in and yes his first poop in the potty. Initially he was a bit upset but our excitement rubbed off and soon he finished his job on it !!!
All the way from home to office I was bursting with excitement. I simply had to tell someone ... whom do I say ? The single 20 something colleagues in office ? Can imagine their look of disgust !!! So here I am bursting with excitement. Singing and whistling ... I don't care what people think .. My son has pooped in his potty and that is all that matters to me !!!
Did I win a lottery ? No
Did I get a promotion ? Fat chance. Note : need to bad mouth that horribly competent colleague of mine !!
Did I get a new car ? Hmmm I wish
Did I buy a new house ? Ha ha .. haven't you heard of credit crunch ??
Did my hubby say he loved me even I am old and wrinkly and ugly ? Hang on he hasn't told me !!! Note : drama tonight
Ok give up ???
My son pooped in his potty !!!! Yes !!!! I am thrilled to bits. Non-moms out there can sneer and laugh, but any mom worth her salt will know what I am talking about. Its the dreaded potty training time. I had bought a toilet seat just when he turned 2 and a potty soon after. But they just lay there , one gathering dust and the other being used as a storage for toys ... He refused to sit on them and cried at the mention of a wee.
Then few days back I took a deep breath and decided to free him from his diaper. So there he sat in his UW .. he was amused by it. There was an accident and he didn't like it one bit. Next day again same routine and this time I watched him like a hawk. The slightest change and I ran to get the potty and made him sit on it. Yesssss the first wee in the potty !!! We did a war dance around the potty. This time he thought Amma had gone crazy !!! But he got the idea . Next day (17th Marc 2009) he came up to me and said 'Amma fast potty' .... I ran like my life depended on it. Made it just in time. First wee on his own !!! From then on it was easy, every few minutes he would come up and say 'Amma potty' .. and go .. Didn't know they weed so much !!!
Anyways come 20th March 2009. Early morning rush to get him to pre-school. I asked him if he wanted to wee , he said yes and he was on the potty when sniff sniff ...now what is that smell .. I didn't fart ... sniff sniff .... that smells like poop !! Peeped in and yes his first poop in the potty. Initially he was a bit upset but our excitement rubbed off and soon he finished his job on it !!!
All the way from home to office I was bursting with excitement. I simply had to tell someone ... whom do I say ? The single 20 something colleagues in office ? Can imagine their look of disgust !!! So here I am bursting with excitement. Singing and whistling ... I don't care what people think .. My son has pooped in his potty and that is all that matters to me !!!
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
Sobre thoughts
Last week we received a call early in the morning. It was from India. Yogesh's kaka had suddenly taken ill and had been admitted to the hospital. It was quite a shock since kaka had always been in good health and was always up and running till this incident. Kaka has a son who lives in the US and both he and Yogesh were soon on their way to India. It was a tense day, unfortunately kaka passed away before they landed in India. This incident made me realise couple of things
1. Inspite of all the advances in medical history it is sometimes impossible to save someone's life. People smirk when we say 'fate' and 'luck'. But it seems like that to me. Kaka had an heart attack. With heart attacks the most critical moment is the time just after the first attack. In kaka's case we couldn't identify the first attack and then nothing could be done to save him. It was almost like his time had come and he decided to move on.
2. Plans cars buses trains ... marvellous inventions which have brought the world closer. Yet not fast enough for a son to reach his father. When we decided to make the move to another continent, we thought 'We can always reach India in 8 hours. That is not too far. We can always be there when they need us'. But on this day the 8 hours too were too long. This has made me think again about our stay out here. Our parents are not getting any younger. Will we be there in their time of need ?
3. Most of our lives we take relationships for granted. We never take time to tell people what they mean to us. Parents, partners, siblings, children, friends. We spend a lot of time fighting over issues and dealing with egos. Little do we realise the fraility of life. Something that is there now could be snuffed out in an instant. Then what do we do with all those words we meant to say but never said, those words we uttered but regretted.
4. Infact we never enjoy life as its meant to be enjoyed. I am always so worried about the future that I have no time for the present. Or I am always stuck in the past, past grieviances and past wrongs that I never enjoy today. Life does need planning, especially since we have responsibilities to fulfill. But sometimes we need to learn to let go too. There are things that you can't plan for.
5. Partner. My first thought was for kaki. They had been married for more than 30 years. They faced problems together and I am sure were each other's support system. Suddenly there is a void in her life. Yogesh had been away for 2 days now I am already feeling lonely. I have aki for company but I still miss Yogesh. And this knowing that he will back in a weeks time. We spend most of our waking hours bitterly fighting. Over finances, over Aki, over his parents, over my parents.. over anything and everything. I have taken his presence in my life for granted. There are days when I wish I were single again. I can't remember the last time I said I loved him or the last time I bought him a gift on a whim. First few years of marriage were fun, but slowly work and life took over and we grew apart. No time to enjoy each others company. The birth of Aki has also added to this. I am so obsessed with my son we hardly spend time together. But this incident has jolted me to my senses. Children finally leave the nest and then its back to your partner. I promise to myself This anniversary will be special.
1. Inspite of all the advances in medical history it is sometimes impossible to save someone's life. People smirk when we say 'fate' and 'luck'. But it seems like that to me. Kaka had an heart attack. With heart attacks the most critical moment is the time just after the first attack. In kaka's case we couldn't identify the first attack and then nothing could be done to save him. It was almost like his time had come and he decided to move on.
2. Plans cars buses trains ... marvellous inventions which have brought the world closer. Yet not fast enough for a son to reach his father. When we decided to make the move to another continent, we thought 'We can always reach India in 8 hours. That is not too far. We can always be there when they need us'. But on this day the 8 hours too were too long. This has made me think again about our stay out here. Our parents are not getting any younger. Will we be there in their time of need ?
3. Most of our lives we take relationships for granted. We never take time to tell people what they mean to us. Parents, partners, siblings, children, friends. We spend a lot of time fighting over issues and dealing with egos. Little do we realise the fraility of life. Something that is there now could be snuffed out in an instant. Then what do we do with all those words we meant to say but never said, those words we uttered but regretted.
4. Infact we never enjoy life as its meant to be enjoyed. I am always so worried about the future that I have no time for the present. Or I am always stuck in the past, past grieviances and past wrongs that I never enjoy today. Life does need planning, especially since we have responsibilities to fulfill. But sometimes we need to learn to let go too. There are things that you can't plan for.
5. Partner. My first thought was for kaki. They had been married for more than 30 years. They faced problems together and I am sure were each other's support system. Suddenly there is a void in her life. Yogesh had been away for 2 days now I am already feeling lonely. I have aki for company but I still miss Yogesh. And this knowing that he will back in a weeks time. We spend most of our waking hours bitterly fighting. Over finances, over Aki, over his parents, over my parents.. over anything and everything. I have taken his presence in my life for granted. There are days when I wish I were single again. I can't remember the last time I said I loved him or the last time I bought him a gift on a whim. First few years of marriage were fun, but slowly work and life took over and we grew apart. No time to enjoy each others company. The birth of Aki has also added to this. I am so obsessed with my son we hardly spend time together. But this incident has jolted me to my senses. Children finally leave the nest and then its back to your partner. I promise to myself This anniversary will be special.
Friday, 13 February 2009
Letting go
2 years and 6 months since Aki was born... there have been so many changes in these 30 months. Some have been recorded in this blog rest just remain in memories.
Ever since he was a baby, Aki has been a bit of a Amma's boy. I am one of those hyper-possessive guilt-ridden working-mothers who like to do everything for their kids when they are around. I am a grandparents nightmare. Mornings my son is looked after by his grandparents but once I get home I absolutely forbid anyone from taking care of Aki. I guess its my way to making up for those lost moments in office. I feed him, play with him, bathe him and put him to sleep. It gets a bit frustrating at times but I would be lying if I said I didn't love it...Loved that special look that he gave me when I entered the room or the way he left everything when he heard my voice. I guess that is the pleasure of motherhood. You share that special bonding that no one else has..... untill they grow up. Yep this one change at 30 months has left me a bit sad and vulnerable .
Aki is now a lot more social. He likes to be the centre of attention. He now tries to hold conversations with friends who come over. His circle of close people is also increasing. So he wants to play with a lot more people not just me. There were days when I used to come back from office and he would literally throw himself into my arms.. hugging me close ..making sure i was back. Couple of days back I came back from office , he was busy with his toys. He gave me a glance and was back to his games. Then baba came back from work and he went rushing into his arms. He wanted to play some games with Baba. Baba and he play some rough and tough games .. pushing shoving fighting .. there was no place for Amma. I almost had tears in my eyes. That was the first time ever he had 'ignored' me. 10 minutes of play and he was back searching for 'Amma' .. Phew !!
He is also at that stage where he needs amma to vent his anger. So there he is perfectly happy and playing with grandparents/baba and then amma enters the room and wham what a change. He cries and wants to be carried. He shows me places where he was hurt millions of years ago. He gets stubborn and cries for everything. I leave the room and whoa its back to normal.
I guess every mom has been through this phase. the phase where your little darling is finally ready to let go of the apron strings even if its for a little while. I am proud of my son and the progress he makes, but dread the day he will finally let go of the strings forever.
Ever since he was a baby, Aki has been a bit of a Amma's boy. I am one of those hyper-possessive guilt-ridden working-mothers who like to do everything for their kids when they are around. I am a grandparents nightmare. Mornings my son is looked after by his grandparents but once I get home I absolutely forbid anyone from taking care of Aki. I guess its my way to making up for those lost moments in office. I feed him, play with him, bathe him and put him to sleep. It gets a bit frustrating at times but I would be lying if I said I didn't love it...Loved that special look that he gave me when I entered the room or the way he left everything when he heard my voice. I guess that is the pleasure of motherhood. You share that special bonding that no one else has..... untill they grow up. Yep this one change at 30 months has left me a bit sad and vulnerable .
Aki is now a lot more social. He likes to be the centre of attention. He now tries to hold conversations with friends who come over. His circle of close people is also increasing. So he wants to play with a lot more people not just me. There were days when I used to come back from office and he would literally throw himself into my arms.. hugging me close ..making sure i was back. Couple of days back I came back from office , he was busy with his toys. He gave me a glance and was back to his games. Then baba came back from work and he went rushing into his arms. He wanted to play some games with Baba. Baba and he play some rough and tough games .. pushing shoving fighting .. there was no place for Amma. I almost had tears in my eyes. That was the first time ever he had 'ignored' me. 10 minutes of play and he was back searching for 'Amma' .. Phew !!
He is also at that stage where he needs amma to vent his anger. So there he is perfectly happy and playing with grandparents/baba and then amma enters the room and wham what a change. He cries and wants to be carried. He shows me places where he was hurt millions of years ago. He gets stubborn and cries for everything. I leave the room and whoa its back to normal.
I guess every mom has been through this phase. the phase where your little darling is finally ready to let go of the apron strings even if its for a little while. I am proud of my son and the progress he makes, but dread the day he will finally let go of the strings forever.
Friday, 6 February 2009
The book
Had a look at my newly published book. I loved it. The font looked great the pics were good. My husband was not too impressed. He has a flair for photography and the prints didn't stand up to this critical examination. His verdict was Blurb didn't fare any better than Tesco. Hmmm.
Gifted the book to Esha and she loved it. So all in all I am happy.
Saying that , I don't think i will publish with Blurb. It takes far too long to arrive and I think I can go local for the quality of prints.
Gifted the book to Esha and she loved it. So all in all I am happy.
Saying that , I don't think i will publish with Blurb. It takes far too long to arrive and I think I can go local for the quality of prints.
Thursday, 5 February 2009
The wait is over
After 16 long never-ending days, the wait is finally over. My book has finally made its way from the blurb publishing house to my house. The stamps on the postage shows it has travelled the world more than I have .... Now all that remains is to rip open the package and look the end result .... I hope its worth the wait.
Ode to London Weather
I wake up in the morning
thinking it will snow
I get into winter gear
Cos the weatherman says so
I walk out of the door
and its pelting me with rain
If the weather was as predicted
We would all go insane
The weather is never constant
Its here and then its gone
If ur freezing your butt off now
Soon u'll need ur thong
We got a little snow now
And the Amrus are in shame
They always get the freezing snow
And we get all the fame
:)
http://animoto.com/play/O6Uq4EWh02CFEkq55uSNQA
thinking it will snow
I get into winter gear
Cos the weatherman says so
I walk out of the door
and its pelting me with rain
If the weather was as predicted
We would all go insane
The weather is never constant
Its here and then its gone
If ur freezing your butt off now
Soon u'll need ur thong
We got a little snow now
And the Amrus are in shame
They always get the freezing snow
And we get all the fame
:)
http://animoto.com/play/O6Uq4EWh02CFEkq55uSNQA
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
The Waiting Game
Finally got round to making a book. Not for my son , but its for my friend's daughter. Its a story book about her .. with silly poems written by me and with pics of her in different moods. The book took about a week to put together. Did it on Blurb. And now the worst bit is on.. the waiting . I have been crossing off days since I ordered it. Everyday I go and check information about Shipping. Hmmm 4-7 days .. does it mean working days ? Oh no thats atleast 3 more days. Is the font ok ? I should have taken a sample print on my printer. Will the pics come out ok ? Will she like it ? The worries grow as the days go by. Oh I just wish the days would whizz by. Its almost like birthday time ... when you wait with bated breath for your gift !!! Everytime the postman passes by I almost pounce on him to check his bag. Any mails ? Are you sure ? Its quite small maybe its at the bottom of the bag. Don't you want to check again ? They now have a restraining order put out for me !!!
Friday, 2 January 2009
Promises
This year I join the millions of people around the world in setting up a list of things I wish to change about myself. A list of my resolutions. New years have come and gone and I am left clutching the resolutions of the year that went ... and still I go and make new lists each year hoping this year will be better than the last. Hope, that is what life is built on, because if there is no hope there is no reason to live. So whats on my list this year ?
* Less envy : We spend 70% of our lives looking at someone else's life and hoping we could live it. Thats 70% of our own lives gone down the drain. So this year I am just going to live the life I have been given and live it 100%. I may not be the greatest but atleast i can give it my best shot.
* Less baggage : I am in office and I spend most of my time feeling guilty about my son at home. I am at home and I spend time feeling guilty about the work pending in office. So much excess baggage is carried all around the place, there is no space for happiness. No more hang-ups no more tensions no more stress.
* More smiles : I have almost forgotten how it felt to laugh out loud. A smile may not solve all my problems but it will make things a lot easier. No more nagging and cribbing(well now thats a lot to ask for... lets see less nagging and less cribbing)
* Less me More We : Love shared is love multiplied. Need to open my heart and start loving everyone ... not just that small circle that is MY family.
* More adventures : Need to explore more and do something a bit out of the ordinary. A nice adventurous holiday is on the cards.
More me time : Just some time to pamper myself. Will read some new book (advice appreciated), nice beauty treatment (seriously need one) , nice good outfit (any size 0's out there ?)
* Less anger : This short fuse will have to burn a little longer. The sharp tongue will need to be a little blunt. No more jumping to conclusions and getting hurt by the remarks made by friends and family. No more sarcastic comments. Will just let go. People who know me really well will know how tough this is for me. I am one cat with sharp nails ;).. so this one is going to be really tough.
In short more life. Lets see how this goes ...
There are some more mundane ones
like
* making the video of my son. Bought a mac but I still haven't done a thing with it.
* making a photobook of OUR family (see that was easy). Downloaded n s/w but no book yet.
* thinking of a nice romantic gift for my anniversary and hubby's bday (now that is really tough.. since he usually buys the stuff he wants himself !!!)
* compiling my list of stories. Had written a few, but they just got kept aside
* cleaning my wardrobe. This should be top of the list since it just gets piling on. To my defense ,every few weeks I clean it, and the very next day it gets messed up.
* cleaning the attic. Old clothes and toys. V hard to part away with esp since they belong to Aki. But need some space and so have to do it.
....
I hope I live up to some of them...
Anyways Happy New Year to the World
From the Khanolkars and the Narayanans
* Less envy : We spend 70% of our lives looking at someone else's life and hoping we could live it. Thats 70% of our own lives gone down the drain. So this year I am just going to live the life I have been given and live it 100%. I may not be the greatest but atleast i can give it my best shot.
* Less baggage : I am in office and I spend most of my time feeling guilty about my son at home. I am at home and I spend time feeling guilty about the work pending in office. So much excess baggage is carried all around the place, there is no space for happiness. No more hang-ups no more tensions no more stress.
* More smiles : I have almost forgotten how it felt to laugh out loud. A smile may not solve all my problems but it will make things a lot easier. No more nagging and cribbing(well now thats a lot to ask for... lets see less nagging and less cribbing)
* Less me More We : Love shared is love multiplied. Need to open my heart and start loving everyone ... not just that small circle that is MY family.
* More adventures : Need to explore more and do something a bit out of the ordinary. A nice adventurous holiday is on the cards.
More me time : Just some time to pamper myself. Will read some new book (advice appreciated), nice beauty treatment (seriously need one) , nice good outfit (any size 0's out there ?)
* Less anger : This short fuse will have to burn a little longer. The sharp tongue will need to be a little blunt. No more jumping to conclusions and getting hurt by the remarks made by friends and family. No more sarcastic comments. Will just let go. People who know me really well will know how tough this is for me. I am one cat with sharp nails ;).. so this one is going to be really tough.
In short more life. Lets see how this goes ...
There are some more mundane ones
like
* making the video of my son. Bought a mac but I still haven't done a thing with it.
* making a photobook of OUR family (see that was easy). Downloaded n s/w but no book yet.
* thinking of a nice romantic gift for my anniversary and hubby's bday (now that is really tough.. since he usually buys the stuff he wants himself !!!)
* compiling my list of stories. Had written a few, but they just got kept aside
* cleaning my wardrobe. This should be top of the list since it just gets piling on. To my defense ,every few weeks I clean it, and the very next day it gets messed up.
* cleaning the attic. Old clothes and toys. V hard to part away with esp since they belong to Aki. But need some space and so have to do it.
....
I hope I live up to some of them...
Anyways Happy New Year to the World
From the Khanolkars and the Narayanans
Peace
'When will this pain go ? When will this heartache stop' thought Sunitha as she lay there looking at the little trickle going past her toes. Somedays the ache was so bad she would cry loudly to dull it. Today even that wasn't working. She had tried hard to analyse what had gone wrong. Life had started pretty much as usual. Happy family, good husband , a smart son. But something had gone wrong and she couldn't understand how and she was too tired to figure it out now. Seemed like a million reasons for her pain. Nikhil, the love of her life .. she could still remember those old days. He was such a romantic back then. Wooing her with flowers on her birthday and lovely cards. The diamond engagement ring and the chain. She could still feel a tingle thinking about the wedding. They seemed to happy and so full of life. They were in love. Where did that love go ? When did it die ? When did those sweet words turn to bitter fights ? When did those looks filled with love and lust turn to barbs of hatred. Sex had turned to an obligation and soon that too was forgotten. There used to be days when Nikhil couldn't keep his hands off her ... now he has control his urge to raise his hands and hit her.
Everything had changed. When did I change from the sweet loving daughter-in-law to this monster filled with venom and hatred ? She remembered her first tentative steps into Nikhil's house as a new bride. There was love and anticipation and excitement. His mother had looked lovingly at her and proclaimed she was the happiest mother-in-law in the world. Maybe I should ask how she feels now ? thought Sunitha. Her in-laws could hardly look at her in the face. They tried and avoided her .. especially in this new mood that she was in. The Raging Bull or rather Cow. The only reason they stayed together was for their grandson, the love of their life. Akhilesh the love of my life sighed Sunitha ..my life my blood ..she said as the trickle slowly gathered force. The thought of her son, Akhilesh, brought more pain ... Why does love cause so much pain ? Why won't it end ? Those pills that the doctor gave me don't seem to help anymore. Like any mother all she wanted was for her son to be happy. He needs someone better than me. It won't be long before those endearing eyes start to question her like the others. Won't be long before the total absolute love he has is slowly replaced by the hatred that everyone around her had. I am like a disease. I infect everyone with sorrow and hate. Hate that seems to be the only emotion she had now. That and noise seems to fill her world. So many noises so many voices shouting at her. Voices from the past and present. She couldn't tell them apart any more. Sunitha Sunitha where are you ? Where is my shaving kit ? She could hear Nikhil asking . Her ears were ringing. Laughter ..sound of laughter. That was Akhilesh playing with his grandparents. Bless him. Let him smile and be happy forever. The cooker was going off. Mom will take care of it. She takes care of everything. Bless her for it.
Sunitha Sunitha. The calls were getting more frantic ... as the trickle became a river ... swirling round her toes and gushing into the drain. The noises were slowly fading. Bang bang bang that was Nikhil at the door. Sunitha open the door. Right now. Sunitha. The bangings were getting more frantic.... but they were slowly fading into the background. Things were slowly getting quiet. She could feel nothing but peace. So this is peace ... this is oblivion .....finally I am free.
Everything had changed. When did I change from the sweet loving daughter-in-law to this monster filled with venom and hatred ? She remembered her first tentative steps into Nikhil's house as a new bride. There was love and anticipation and excitement. His mother had looked lovingly at her and proclaimed she was the happiest mother-in-law in the world. Maybe I should ask how she feels now ? thought Sunitha. Her in-laws could hardly look at her in the face. They tried and avoided her .. especially in this new mood that she was in. The Raging Bull or rather Cow. The only reason they stayed together was for their grandson, the love of their life. Akhilesh the love of my life sighed Sunitha ..my life my blood ..she said as the trickle slowly gathered force. The thought of her son, Akhilesh, brought more pain ... Why does love cause so much pain ? Why won't it end ? Those pills that the doctor gave me don't seem to help anymore. Like any mother all she wanted was for her son to be happy. He needs someone better than me. It won't be long before those endearing eyes start to question her like the others. Won't be long before the total absolute love he has is slowly replaced by the hatred that everyone around her had. I am like a disease. I infect everyone with sorrow and hate. Hate that seems to be the only emotion she had now. That and noise seems to fill her world. So many noises so many voices shouting at her. Voices from the past and present. She couldn't tell them apart any more. Sunitha Sunitha where are you ? Where is my shaving kit ? She could hear Nikhil asking . Her ears were ringing. Laughter ..sound of laughter. That was Akhilesh playing with his grandparents. Bless him. Let him smile and be happy forever. The cooker was going off. Mom will take care of it. She takes care of everything. Bless her for it.
Sunitha Sunitha. The calls were getting more frantic ... as the trickle became a river ... swirling round her toes and gushing into the drain. The noises were slowly fading. Bang bang bang that was Nikhil at the door. Sunitha open the door. Right now. Sunitha. The bangings were getting more frantic.... but they were slowly fading into the background. Things were slowly getting quiet. She could feel nothing but peace. So this is peace ... this is oblivion .....finally I am free.
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