Postnatal depression

Post-natal depression. Its one thing Indian families don't discuss about , well atleast not openly. When you are pregnant, the whole family is excited and happy. The moms in the family discuss about the joy of having the baby. Its like you have this baby and all you experience is joy and love. Its like the fairy tale And they lived happily ever after. Its female machoness. Even if you feel pain don't show it, a mom's life is for the child, so you need to scarifice everything for the baby. Its not openly told, but you can see it in every mom you meet - own mom, mother-in-law, aunts everyone. So no one prepares you for that horrible sinking feeling that engulfs you at times after the birth. This is a happy event then why am i sad ? The focus is on the baby and on making you physically fit . No one spares a thought for the mental anguish that many moms go through. Its a taboo for a Indian mom. That is why I have to speak about it. Because this depression tore apart my life and my family for 2 years.
Mine was a happy pregnancy, atleast to begin with. Baby was growing fine. Even though I was v thin, baby was on normal growth chart. In-laws were on hand to help. Then we hit the 32nd week we had problems. Aki's heartbeat dropped below 40 at times and we were running in and out of the hospital. The doctors waited till I hit 36 weeks and then they decided to get him out. Those 4 weeks were the most terrifying weeks of my life. When we were in hospital we could monitor his heartbeat, but how would we know when we were at home. Would he be ok ? Would his brain be deprived of oxygen. I wanted my parents with me as soon as possible. There were space issues at home since both families were here. Finally Aki was delivered safe and sound and then the struggle began. Maybe the combination of stress and tension and issues at home, I was always crying and in a state of anger. Having a baby changes a lot of things. Physically it drains you, all those hormones that were active suddenly start to change, the pushing and the pulling during delivery tires you, the lack of sleep combined with a baby needing your milk .. all these things tire you. Mentally too its very demanding. It changes your lifestyle. You now need to think of the baby before annything else. In first few weeks your movement is restricted since you need to recover from the delivery. In my case it was a C-sec which is a major operation and hence takes time to heal. So I was house bound for many weeks. Enough to turn to me mad. Then there is the family attention. Everyone fussing over you when all you want to do is scream. For the first few months I felt like a cow. There in the world just to feed my son. I spoke to my sisters and other friends and everyone of them felt the same way. Then there are the religious rituals that family members want to follow which can sometimes frustrate you. Those were horrible days. All i wanted to do was run off somewhere and relax and have some time just for myself. I used to fight with my husband and my parents and my in-laws. I felt guilty about feeling like this, guilty about shouting at people, guilty about not feeling happy about being a mom. The emotional scars of those fights marred our family relationship for more than 2 years. I am not saying I hated having a baby. I can't think of anything more joyful, but the joy comes a lot later. There is a bit of pain to go through before that lovey dovey feeling comes. The first few months you are caring for a very demanding baby who gives nothing in return. Then he turns 3 months and magically it all changes. You can now differentiate between the different cries and the baby is more settled. He/she starts to respond to you and its a lot more interactive. Now things are a lot better. There are still days when I feel frustrated and angry. There are days when I miss my old carefree life - no responsibilities and total freedom. But that is natural. I get over it and I enjoy my time as a mom.
I sometimes wish someone had told me it was natural to have those feelings. Its not clinical depression, just your mind slowly adjusting to being a mom. Its a tough job. As mom's we owe it to our daughters to help them through this wonderful yet painful times. Tell them that as a mom its ok to have doubts, ok to be angry, ok to be depressed , ok to wish and yearn for your free days. That doesn't make you a bad mom. Just love yourself and love your baby and everything will be ok (fairytale ending).Some things I learnt :

Babies cry- Thats what they do. The first day they are quiet since they are full of adrenalin. Slowly the adrenalin wears off and then they cry. Not everyone is sure why they do. Some of the reasons are colic, hunger, wet nappy, sickness (cold, fever). But usually its for no reason. The most common reason offered by elders is 'not enough milk'. In reality you could milk a cow and feed the baby, but it will still cry. I remember grinding my teeth everytime someone told me 'not enough milk'. Looking back now I think its been 3 years since I have had my baby. I can barely remember why akshay cried, so I am pretty sure my mom and mom-in-law had no idea too. Its just easy to blame hunger and lack of milk. So anytime you hear this reason, try not to blow your top, just ignore it. If you think baby is feeding enough then just try and sing a song and soothe him/her. Being close to you helps calm them (sometimes).

Zombie mom - Don't expect to be happy and up and ready to go in the first few weeks/ months. Babies sleep at odd times and unfortunately you can't keep up with them. My mom had banned books and my mil used to keep telling me to sleep when baby sleeps. I couldn't do it. It may have helped, but sometimes the brain just can't switch off. This meant I was cranky and sleep deprived most of the days. Inadvertently lead to a short fuse. My suggestion - nothing. Do what you think is best. Its just the first few months then they settle in and life is much better.

Eat Eat Eat : This is one thing you will hear a lot from your elders. Eat this, its good for you, eat that its good for you. Not sure about the scientific rationale behind this. I was thin before my pregnancy (still am) so anyone seeing me used to think I would starve my son due to lack of milk. Nothing of that sort happened and my son gained a healthy weight. But you need to eat well to make sure your bones don't creak (kids suck out ur calcium and vitamins). So here ur mom and mil are right. Some of those things do help you. Now I know, but right then I just wanted to throw it all out of the window, so tired and depressed I was.

Noisy sleepers - Babies are extremely noisy sleepers. I spent nights lying awake watching my son since I could hear all these wierd noises. He was fast asleep , just extremely noisy. I was also worried about blankets and other things falling on him. Its just natural to be anxious, but it rarely happens.

White spots - Babies get these white little spots on them. Its kind of like pimples it seems, so nothing to worry about. Well usually nothing to worry about.

Cover the baby - Now this is one thing most Indians are guilty of. They tend to pile clothes and sweaters on the poor baby. Babies can't regulate their body temp as well as adults. So despite what elders say, don't cover the baby in multiple layers to keep him warm. This is especially imp when the baby has a fever. Never cover the head. It could lead to seizures. I went to a docs at India when Aki was ill. It was about 30deg and a mom had covered her sick baby in sweaters. The doctor was furious. Keep an ambient temperature around the house. Plenty of fresh air and light.

Don't go out till 40 days - In a way it makes sense since you need time to recover, but I found that i felt better when I was out of the house. I have never liked staying at home, so making me stay at home was like delivering a death sentence. I know moms here (UK) who are out and about with their new babies within a week. They are fine and so is the baby. So I would say as long as you don't stress urself out, its ok to take a break and go out. I know my sis too felt the same and she felt better after taking a ride in her car.

Bathing baby- We waited till the umblical cord fell out to bathe him. We didn't bathe him everyday since water here makes the skin very dry. In fact i didn't bathe him everyday till he recently. This was cos he has mild eczema which I found was more when he had a bath. Babies have sensitive skin and they never get dirty, so a gentle splash with plain water is fine. We never had a baai so can't debate on pros or cons of it. Aki got a simple massage from mom and mil and he is as agile as any 'malished' baby.

Thats all I can remember right now.
Hope this helps some newbie mom. Just remember the best is yet to come, so just see through these days :)

Diary of a 'working' mom

I am a working mom. What does that mean ? It means I am a mom and I work in a office. Basically work never stops be it home or office. After a long time I finally got a chance to take a holiday and spend some quality time with my son. My parents had left for India and next set of grandparents were due in a weeks time. This was one week of me time with my son. I was excited and apprehensive. What activities should I plan for him ? What games should we play ? How will the time pass by ? Have to be honest, from my perspective, a stay at home mom didn't have much to do. (can hear teeth gnashing). So this was my chance to relax and enjoy just being a mom.

Day started at 7:00 am. Akshay's school starts at 9:15 so need to make sure his bag is packed and is dress is laid out for him. Also had to pack Baba's lunch and have my breakfast before waking the lil master up. 

7:45 Aki wakes up. 15 mins of cuddling before getting down to business of brushing cleaning and plonking in front of TV. Thank god for Milkshake (Channel 5)

By 8:30 Aki realises he has to go to school and then starts the fuss. Crying and whining and finally I agree to sit with him in school and also to take him to school by bus !!! 

9:00 we make it out of the house and slowly trundle to the bus stop. 

9:15 to 12:15 we are at school. The kids don't seem to learn much here. All they did was play with dough and paint and bake a cake. Aki seems to have learnt more from home than in scholl (Note to self : Teach him some alphabets. Need to check pre-school curriculum).

By 1 we slowly make our way home. A stop at the nearby park and then by 1:30 we reach home. 

Its picnic in the backyard today since the sun has made a rare appearance. Have a quite bite too while he out playing in the yard. Finish my lunch and nip out to see aki covered in mud !! Aaargh. Plonk him in the tub and a quick bathe later its 2:30 time for bed. After a small fight and a loud protest Aki is asleep by 2:45.

Whew !! Thats half a day gone .... time to relax ? I hope !! Look at the sink and my heart sinks !! Finish washing all the vessels and then drying out the clothes and tidying up the front room and I look at the clock ... oooops its already 4 !! Just time to catch up with some mails before Aki wakes up and the rush starts again. Tea , dinner , sleep !!

This is just the first day. 6 more to go.

Verdict : 'Working' or not , a Mom is always Working !!! I won't debate on which is more tiring. Each mom in one way or the other is doing something the whole day. Which is better ? I donno. I enjoyed being with Aki and spending time with him, but I need my job too. I wish there was more of a balance in life. Right now, I don't want to go back to work.