Trying too Hard

An Old Blog revisited
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Been long since I have poured out my heart into the blog. Its not due to lack of thoughts (surprising), but its more to do with vanity and ego. There is this vain part of me that says I need to maintain a standard. I have to write blogs that are amusing and stimulating and about something that means something to everyone. But then I realised that this blog is hardly read by anyone outside my family (they too read it at gunpoint), so might as well get back to what I am and not what I wish to be !!


Right now I am at a stage where nothing but my baby means anything to me , so all my thoughts seem to be filled with him. He will turn '1' soon and I am in this panic mode. His first birthday party is something I have been dreaming about ever since was 1 week old , 1 week as an embryo I mean. Yeah thats how long !!! I had created a list of people we should invite, which included even the people I sometimes bump in to on the Tube. I had this long list of catering companies who cater to chic children's parties , another list of party entertainers, and a list of huge halls. I bookmarked everysite that mentioned birthday party, and read articles on the best way to celebrate a child's first birthday.As with most things in my life, the actual doing bit is always left till the last min and so right now I am running around trying to organize a just about decent party. Its when I am running around organizing the evnt, when the actual significance of the event strikes me. Its been 1 year, 1 year since our lives had changed, 1 year since I have become a 'mom', 1 year of loving and caring for someone special. It was a unique experience. The first 3 months were hell. I was exhausted, dis-oriented, sleepless, angry and depressed. I felt nothing special for the brat who kept me awake most of the nights. I had no idea why he cried and I was angry at everyone who gave me advice. Then the golden period started. He was 4 months old and was starting to respond to me. You think you know love when u get married, but that is nothing compared to what u feel when u look at ur baby. Nothing else matters at all. I know a friend who told me he used to laugh and dance with his son in supermarket aisles without a thought of what people were thinking. Having a kid is like alcohol, you loose your inhibitions. And people seem a lot more friendlier too :D
I miss my pre-mom days. Miss the me-time I had. Miss the late night parties I could attend and the movies I could watch. Holidays were time to relax and enjoy and not an endless worry about milk and nappies and baby food. I miss chatting with friends and miss being able to lie down simply relaxing or reading a book. But I have had my share of fun and being a mom is fun too. Now i have someone to whom I can read to, I can talk to and clown with. someone who doesn't care how ragged I look, someone who always looks at me and says 'Amma you are beautiful'.
So thats why this 1 year is such a big milestone. Its 1 year since a mom was born.