Sobre thoughts

Last week we received a call early in the morning. It was from India. Yogesh's kaka had suddenly taken ill and had been admitted to the hospital. It was quite a shock since kaka had always been in good health and was always up and running till this incident. Kaka has a son who lives in the US and both he and Yogesh were soon on their way to India. It was a tense day, unfortunately kaka passed away before they landed in India. This incident made me realise couple of things
1. Inspite of all the advances in medical history it is sometimes impossible to save someone's life. People smirk when we say 'fate' and 'luck'. But it seems like that to me. Kaka had an heart attack. With heart attacks the most critical moment is the time just after the first attack. In kaka's case we couldn't identify the first attack and then nothing could be done to save him. It was almost like his time had come and he decided to move on.
2. Plans cars buses trains ... marvellous inventions which have brought the world closer. Yet not fast enough for a son to reach his father. When we decided to make the move to another continent, we thought 'We can always reach India in 8 hours. That is not too far. We can always be there when they need us'. But on this day the 8 hours too were too long. This has made me think again about our stay out here. Our parents are not getting any younger. Will we be there in their time of need ?
3. Most of our lives we take relationships for granted. We never take time to tell people what they mean to us. Parents, partners, siblings, children, friends. We spend a lot of time fighting over issues and dealing with egos. Little do we realise the fraility of life. Something that is there now could be snuffed out in an instant. Then what do we do with all those words we meant to say but never said, those words we uttered but regretted.
4. Infact we never enjoy life as its meant to be enjoyed. I am always so worried about the future that I have no time for the present. Or I am always stuck in the past, past grieviances and past wrongs that I never enjoy today. Life does need planning, especially since we have responsibilities to fulfill. But sometimes we need to learn to let go too. There are things that you can't plan for.
5. Partner. My first thought was for kaki. They had been married for more than 30 years. They faced problems together and I am sure were each other's support system. Suddenly there is a void in her life. Yogesh had been away for 2 days now I am already feeling lonely. I have aki for company but I still miss Yogesh. And this knowing that he will back in a weeks time. We spend most of our waking hours bitterly fighting. Over finances, over Aki, over his parents, over my parents.. over anything and everything. I have taken his presence in my life for granted. There are days when I wish I were single again. I can't remember the last time I said I loved him or the last time I bought him a gift on a whim. First few years of marriage were fun, but slowly work and life took over and we grew apart. No time to enjoy each others company. The birth of Aki has also added to this. I am so obsessed with my son we hardly spend time together. But this incident has jolted me to my senses. Children finally leave the nest and then its back to your partner. I promise to myself This anniversary will be special.

Letting go

2 years and 6 months since Aki was born... there have been so many changes in these 30 months. Some have been recorded in this blog rest just remain in memories.
Ever since he was a baby, Aki has been a bit of a Amma's boy. I am one of those hyper-possessive guilt-ridden working-mothers who like to do everything for their kids when they are around. I am a grandparents nightmare. Mornings my son is looked after by his grandparents but once I get home I absolutely forbid anyone from taking care of Aki. I guess its my way to making up for those lost moments in office. I feed him, play with him, bathe him and put him to sleep. It gets a bit frustrating at times but I would be lying if I said I didn't love it...Loved that special look that he gave me when I entered the room or the way he left everything when he heard my voice. I guess that is the pleasure of motherhood. You share that special bonding that no one else has..... untill they grow up. Yep this one change at 30 months has left me a bit sad and vulnerable .
Aki is now a lot more social. He likes to be the centre of attention. He now tries to hold conversations with friends who come over. His circle of close people is also increasing. So he wants to play with a lot more people not just me. There were days when I used to come back from office and he would literally throw himself into my arms.. hugging me close ..making sure i was back. Couple of days back I came back from office , he was busy with his toys. He gave me a glance and was back to his games. Then baba came back from work and he went rushing into his arms. He wanted to play some games with Baba. Baba and he play some rough and tough games .. pushing shoving fighting .. there was no place for Amma. I almost had tears in my eyes. That was the first time ever he had 'ignored' me. 10 minutes of play and he was back searching for 'Amma' .. Phew !!
He is also at that stage where he needs amma to vent his anger. So there he is perfectly happy and playing with grandparents/baba and then amma enters the room and wham what a change. He cries and wants to be carried. He shows me places where he was hurt millions of years ago. He gets stubborn and cries for everything. I leave the room and whoa its back to normal.
I guess every mom has been through this phase. the phase where your little darling is finally ready to let go of the apron strings even if its for a little while. I am proud of my son and the progress he makes, but dread the day he will finally let go of the strings forever.

The book

Had a look at my newly published book. I loved it. The font looked great the pics were good. My husband was not too impressed. He has a flair for photography and the prints didn't stand up to this critical examination. His verdict was Blurb didn't fare any better than Tesco. Hmmm.
Gifted the book to Esha and she loved it. So all in all I am happy.
Saying that , I don't think i will publish with Blurb. It takes far too long to arrive and I think I can go local for the quality of prints.

The wait is over

After 16 long never-ending days, the wait is finally over. My book has finally made its way from the blurb publishing house to my house. The stamps on the postage shows it has travelled the world more than I have .... Now all that remains is to rip open the package and look the end result .... I hope its worth the wait.

Ode to London Weather

I wake up in the morning
thinking it will snow
I get into winter gear
Cos the weatherman says so

I walk out of the door
and its pelting me with rain
If the weather was as predicted
We would all go insane

The weather is never constant
Its here and then its gone
If ur freezing your butt off now
Soon u'll need ur thong

We got a little snow now
And the Amrus are in shame
They always get the freezing snow
And we get all the fame

:)

http://animoto.com/play/O6Uq4EWh02CFEkq55uSNQA

The Waiting Game

Finally got round to making a book. Not for my son , but its for my friend's daughter. Its a story book about her .. with silly poems written by me and with pics of her in different moods. The book took about a week to put together. Did it on Blurb. And now the worst bit is on.. the waiting . I have been crossing off days since I ordered it. Everyday I go and check information about Shipping. Hmmm 4-7 days .. does it mean working days ? Oh no thats atleast 3 more days. Is the font ok ? I should have taken a sample print on my printer. Will the pics come out ok ? Will she like it ? The worries grow as the days go by. Oh I just wish the days would whizz by. Its almost like birthday time ... when you wait with bated breath for your gift !!! Everytime the postman passes by I almost pounce on him to check his bag. Any mails ? Are you sure ? Its quite small maybe its at the bottom of the bag. Don't you want to check again ? They now have a restraining order put out for me !!!

Promises

This year I join the millions of people around the world in setting up a list of things I wish to change about myself. A list of my resolutions. New years have come and gone and I am left clutching the resolutions of the year that went ... and still I go and make new lists each year hoping this year will be better than the last. Hope, that is what life is built on, because if there is no hope there is no reason to live. So whats on my list this year ?
* Less envy : We spend 70% of our lives looking at someone else's life and hoping we could live it. Thats 70% of our own lives gone down the drain. So this year I am just going to live the life I have been given and live it 100%. I may not be the greatest but atleast i can give it my best shot.
* Less baggage : I am in office and I spend most of my time feeling guilty about my son at home. I am at home and I spend time feeling guilty about the work pending in office. So much excess baggage is carried all around the place, there is no space for happiness. No more hang-ups no more tensions no more stress.
* More smiles : I have almost forgotten how it felt to laugh out loud. A smile may not solve all my problems but it will make things a lot easier. No more nagging and cribbing(well now thats a lot to ask for... lets see less nagging and less cribbing)
* Less me More We : Love shared is love multiplied. Need to open my heart and start loving everyone ... not just that small circle that is MY family.
* More adventures : Need to explore more and do something a bit out of the ordinary. A nice adventurous holiday is on the cards.
More me time : Just some time to pamper myself. Will read some new book (advice appreciated), nice beauty treatment (seriously need one) , nice good outfit (any size 0's out there ?)
* Less anger : This short fuse will have to burn a little longer. The sharp tongue will need to be a little blunt. No more jumping to conclusions and getting hurt by the remarks made by friends and family. No more sarcastic comments. Will just let go. People who know me really well will know how tough this is for me. I am one cat with sharp nails ;).. so this one is going to be really tough.
In short more life. Lets see how this goes ...

There are some more mundane ones
like
* making the video of my son. Bought a mac but I still haven't done a thing with it.
* making a photobook of OUR family (see that was easy). Downloaded n s/w but no book yet.
* thinking of a nice romantic gift for my anniversary and hubby's bday (now that is really tough.. since he usually buys the stuff he wants himself !!!)
* compiling my list of stories. Had written a few, but they just got kept aside
* cleaning my wardrobe. This should be top of the list since it just gets piling on. To my defense ,every few weeks I clean it, and the very next day it gets messed up.
* cleaning the attic. Old clothes and toys. V hard to part away with esp since they belong to Aki. But need some space and so have to do it.
....
I hope I live up to some of them...

Anyways Happy New Year to the World

From the Khanolkars and the Narayanans